.....so we could go and see BUZZ ALDRIN at the Mission Inn! He got his wings put on the flyer's wall in a private ceremony, but we watched from the Ho-O-Kan balcony. I figured that we don't often get to see a real astronaut, so bugger all with school, cuz life is happening out there baybee!

I took mine and my bro's three and it was very cool. Kinda weird that he complained about his pay and said that he had to sing for his supper by doing appearances, but hey, Buzz Aldrin right?

He signed one book, took one picture and then walked away (we were third in line, so you know where that left us, right?

Still, it was very cool.

n

Paris.

Yup. I am going to France in 5 days. We got an apartment, so we can eat at the farmer's markets and cook, and a museum pass and a metro pass and we are on our way!

The reception is on Friday night. My bonsai trees for the tables have been shipped and should be here tomorrow, I'm very excited and nervous about them.

Still need earrings.

I keep having really disturbing dreams. Probably not that weird considering I'm a woman who never thought she'd get married, but disturbing nevertheless. They are all about infidelity. Me....committing it. Like some sweet young underneath me and I'm climbling on top of him, but still crying that I love my husband and don't want to cheat on him, but am still compelled to do it anyway. Or, seeing an old flame and sneaking off into the corner with him, only to bawl about it later. See....disturbing. I have had a couple of them.

In my past, I made it a point never to be monogamous cuz I was just going to wander off anyway, so why lie and say I was gonna be faithful, that would just be wrong. So. Here I am, and I have bound my life to one man, and I have done it happily, I do indeed, love my man and want to be with him alone. But apparently my subconscious is a little worried that I can't actually do what I have promised I would do.

I mean, I'm sure I can....I'm not a bitch in heat, right?

Right?

But my sleeping mind dreams on.

Oh! And another "John is the devil" dream. Very odd to keep having those, except maybe it belies my deep seated mistrust in love, who can say. I'm sure I'm a freudean heyday. How sad for me.

Not that sad tho cuz.....

I'm going to
Paris!

An unhappy wife, who took her man to the airport yesterday and spent her night without him.

The only way for us to be together is for me to take Logan and go to Texas. He makes 100k a year, and has flight benefits and insurance. I have none of that.

Leave everything?

I haven't chosen the easy roads in my life, have never just gone along with the flow. I question authority and believe in the right to be bohemian.

And yet, I have chosen to be married. No more unfusing into twain,
I have chosen to be one with another.

It is hard for me to give up my persona of independance and yet...I feel calm. I wish that some things in my life had had different outcomes, but they didn't, and so here I am...and here I go. I have trepidation, but I am without regret. I never could stomach regret.

"Once more into the great beyond, Horatio!"

...and had a couple of awesome days with Chris. A job in LA has come up and Chris has applied for it, anybody with more seniority can get it, but I think it might be a good one. He is worried about the cost of living in California and of course, the commute. Can't blame him, but I really don't want to go to Texas. We'll see.

What to serve at the wedding luncheon in Logan
What to serve at California reception (all deserts I think)
Table decorations
800 types of cake to chose from (cupcakes I think)
what to wear that has no resemblance to a pouffy wedding dress (a mandarin dress white silk brocade with a gold thread through it I think)
music
clothes for kids
clothes for mom
clothes for my man
invitations (art deco/asian)
colors (no way)
bridesmaids (no way)
flowers (nope)
bridal showers (church ladies should be ghastly but looks like Jennifer's will be fun at the gay bar on stripper night!)

The main objective here is to not do anything that everyone else does. No bridesmaids, no flowers, no big white dress, no colors, no cutting a cake, no garter, no money dance, no registering at target.

Just say No.

Honeymoon? We don't know yet. But we have talked about Jamaica, Saint Thomas, Italy, Greece, Poland and Chile. Depends on flights. So far, I think we should have eloped and headed right for the honeymoon.

There is no reality except the one contained within us. That is why so many people live such an unreal life. They take the images outside them for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself.

I am to be married on August 18th. I found a dress for the ceremony, very simple and now I just need a dres for the party, which isn't until September 11, honeymoon to follow. He is going to surprise me (Italy, Greece, Scotland, I'm not sure which, neither is he I don't think). The Mission Inn Court of the Orient and Ho O Kan room for the party. Possibly a desert bar, maybe h'ors doerves. But I'm thinking just fabulous deserts.

I'm kind of boggled by it all. We will continue to commute (I think that is best, for me at least, I hope my man will be able to handle it). He is such a good man, I love him dearly. I'm pretty scared though. What if I'm no good at marraige? What if I'm selfish and petty? What if he is? I mean.....oh I don't know what I mean except that I'm scared.

....is just plain crazy. But, here I go! August 18th inj Logan, Utah and a party on Spetember 11 (I know, but the day needs some of it's mojo back, right?) at the Mission Inn, Court of the Orient and Ho O Kahn Room. Should be quite fAB. bUT TRYING TO PICK OUT INVITATIONS IS LIKE TRYING TO PICK OUT ONE MAN....sooooo MANY TO CHOOSE FROM AND THEY ARE ALL FUN IN THEIR OWN WAY! Darn! What to do?

The letter came. We have permission to be sealed (married on the temple).

How am I supposed to get married? I have no money. Chris wants to do it in August when the kids are off school. Then we can have a party and honeymoon when he has vacation in September.

Me, married in 6 weeks?

Nope, not communism or that time of the month, just good old fashioned POOR! Darn it. I have a million buyers and can't get an offer accepted and my listings are overpriced and I just had to pay 600 to get my car fixed. And no pay check in sight. I'm completely freaking out.

Now what? Mom just bought a car and won't help me with a loan and Clendon doesn't have it. Chris keeps trying to give me money but I just can't seem to let him.

Gonna go have a little cry about it, I guess, tho I don't think that will help at all.

Can you still sell plasma, I wonder?

My cemetery event was a success after all. We made 32k (last year they made 6k). Ok, ok, we made 16k, but there is a matching donor, so we doubled our take with him. I'm still very pleased. We got 1,500 for the painting of the cemetery that we commissioned from Ada, which was awesome! Phood, kinda dropped the ball and that sucks, but it was ok cuz the gay brothers did a gorgeous job with the booze.

Logan lost his top tooth, he looks so cute, I can't believe he will be in first grade in a few weeks.

We did another tour of the catacombs under the Mission Inn, this time a history tour and it was fabulous! We had the reflectario all decked out like it would have been and that was cool. I need to download my pics and add them, it was great.

Looks liks Chris is warming up to commuting. I hope so, I'm not ready to leave California yet, I want at least one more faire year, among other things.

I am back on a diet, liked the extra boob for faire, but now gotta chuck it for bikini seasonm. Haha.

Got Mom a new car after the van blew the transmission. A Highlander, which I love bvut she says she is too old for red. Feh.

Ummm...had a lot to say, but am phzz right now, so I guess I'm outtie.

Considering facebook and twitter as business aids. Hmmmm...

Thinking of dropping this journal and opening a new one.

Kim_press me

Kim_probable

Kim_aginary

What do you think? Still working on a name. But I think it is time for something new.
Just for the heck of it. I think my "impertinent" journal has some bad juujuu in it and I only want happiness and joy and light. Make it so and so mote it be, right?

Had the most amazing O of my life! Clitoral and vaginal at the same time, I think love must agree with me, cuz I have never known such deep pleasure. Wow. Who'd a thunk it?

The world that was not mine yesterday now lies spread out at my feet, a splendor. I seem, in the middle of the night, to have returned to the world of apples, the orchards of Heaven. Perhaps I should take my problems to a shrink, or perhaps I should enjoy the apples that I have, streaked with color like the evening sky.

I woke up at 7:00, looked at the clock and knew I had to get up, but closed my eyes anyway and fell back asleep. Thus commenced the weirdest dream I can remember having in a long time!

I was chatting online with someone I used to know and he said "come over", so I did because I have this Zombie Pet Shoppe that I have been meaning to give him for, IDK, like years...
{I really do! It is the funniest thing ever--miniature zombie animals like a rabbit and a bird and a dog and a fish, all bleeding from the eyes and chunks falling off, kharmically meant to be his, of course, so I got it, but somehow think it might be inappropriate or awkward to give it to him, so it sits on my bookcase and every once in a while I notice it and think"I should send that to him", but I don't. Anyway. I noticed it again last night when I was getting out Harry Potter 6 to read again before the movie comes out, which is probably why he came into the dream}
...but why I went over there naked, is beyond me. Then while I was there I helped Jeanette Crounse (my Faire business partner) and Elizabeth O'Toole (my babysitter) move couches in his house so that they matched the rooms they were decorating (pea green and electric blue, btw). We were all having a marvelous time and listening to my newest favorite band (Wolgemut, like funkfolkfusion) and his woman/gf showed up with like two or three of her friends. I threw a sheet over me, but she knew I was naked and was pissed, upon which she and he started to argue that she is always, unreasonably jealous, that he hadn't even been around (which he hadn't except for the music part and everybody was there having a great time, no hanky panky, and I went to put on a flannel nightie right quick, but her friends were blocking me and Ginny Weasley (from Harry Potter) came and distracted them with her red hair so I could get dressed and explain the whole misunderstanding. Which I did, but to no avail, there was still an issue with the whole decorating naked music party (no big surprise really). Then I realized I could fix it all if I just got out the Zombie Pet Shoppe to show her .....and that's where I woke up and it was 7:09.

Bizarre. I think I was sleeping with too many blankets. I have weird dreams when my feet are too hot. Just like Greta Perez (a friend of my parents who survived the blitz, and drempt about the war when she wore socks to bed).

So.

Chris wants me to move to Dallas. He thinks that he will never get a transfer out here and if he does then they will just close th AA hanger when they widen the runway, which they have plans to do, and then he will get sent to Tulsa or somewhere ghastly. Like Texas isn't ghastly. I said, lets get married and you can commute for a year and then we will decide. He doesn't like that plan, so I told him to come up with one of his own and I'd think about it. So far his only plan is Texas. I like the plan where I get to be married part time, you know, kind of ease me into the whole thing. Jennifer says she is going to have to bolt the church door from the outside just to keep me in (she might be right, after all, just buying a new computer was so much committment that I almost walked out of the store three times; of course I am happy with the new machine, but making the decision was hell--so many damn choices). I know I really shouldn't compare men with computers, but they are kinda the same, really. All have different bells and whistles, all have glitches and it is such a major purchase, that you can't really afford to choose the wrong one, cuz you are gonna be stuck with it for a while.

I don't know what to do. The man is wonderful and completely embroiled in my life, I couldn't let go without a lot of bad energy, and I don't want that. I can't wrap my head around Texas though, I really don't even know how to try. So, we are at an impasse.

My brother and I took down my Faire booth all alone last week. It worked out fine, really, but Michelle Amsbury doesn't think we are going to get a different spot next year, she says newcomers get the leftovers. I can't do business there twice, I would have to decline, which would totally suck. I finally got the butterfly plate, which was awesome. It will be my most popular plate for sure. I made bupkiss for money, but at least enough to pay my E&O insurance for a year. But it seems that Faire is another impasse in my life right now.

My cemetery event is in two weeks and nobody is coming. We have spent 9K and only made 7500K. Not good at all. I knew I didn't want to do this event. THe ticket price is tooooooo high. My artists are going to be pissed when nobody shows up.

This week is the 10th anniversary of my Dad's death, so it will be a melancholy one for me. I wish I could run to Ross and smoke up some weed (his dad passed recently too), but that's not who I am anymore, I won't ever do that again, so I have to face it on my own.
We are going to the pier, to throw flowers in the water, with my brother. Mom says she will come this year, her first time. We shall see.

Chris got me furlined manacles from Tower of London for Mother's day, I wonder what to get him for Dad's day? It will have to be equally as playful and unique, I think.

Oh, dang, am late now. GOtta run.

Wolgemut! Like folk fusion. Rockin 13th century music with bagpipes, shawm and even a didgeridu. They are the new group at faire and I'm completely agog. they do a funk n groove at the end of the day that is way out.

Faire has been brutal this year. But I am inexplicably sad to see it go.

Still mobileposting. Haven't bought a computer yet. Don't even know what to get or what I need. grrr.....hate being ignorant about aything.

....and it turns out that you can control the beast with ease. Interesting.

Saw Hackworth this weekend, he met Dallas and we all had a lovely chat. Turns out, all of that crap that I was afraid I was still lugging around, is completely gone, vanished. Poof. I felt so light, unburdened. His wife is a sweet girl and he is just a man I used to date. The church says we can go ahead without the letter from Chris' ex, they have waited long enough for her to respond, so now all of my kudzu has been napalmed. Life is good.

My man has had his work schedule changed, won't be with me at Faire on Sundays anymore, which isn't bad, really. Love him I do, but walking faire all alone, was nice, I liked it. Alone in a crowd is the best way to be alone, you know. I got some artists to do my event. I potter, a jeweler and Patrick Morgan (how much does that rock?).

My damn dog has eaten $500 worth of new sprinklers that were replaced because she ate the first ones. These ones were in a box that she got the lid off of. I don't know what to do, but I know this can't go on.

My hard drive crashed and the Geek Squad says if I want my photos off of it it will cost me $1500. Seriously. What am I gonna do? No idea. Wish I knew someone who could do it for less, but I don't trust Ross, and Walt is really busy and probably not appropriate to ask whateverthisisguy. So, I will ruminate on it I guess.

That guy really fucked me up and here it is years later and I am still trying to pull myself out of the mental quagmire that I slipped into with him. not placing blame of course, this is all about me and my head, he can't make me feel anything that I haven't allowed myself to feel. but he planted the seeds of doubt in me, and its like kudzu, invasive and really hard to get rid of without killing off the native species too.

I did the riverside garden tour this past weekend instead of the faire. took logan and connor and chris to build a bear and the movies and the park. it was a nice weekend. got a call from my brother on sunday that hackworth was in front of my booth showing off his "new bride" telling about their huge wedding and generally posturing like he does. what happened to the old bride I wonder and why come and tell rowena who was never his friend? for my benefit I suspect. whatever. apparently he is fat and so is the blushing bride, so....yay me (is it unkind to snicker at this point? oh well). I kinda figured I would miss him this weekend, after so many years I can still see him coming a mile away (which is good cuz that's a wake id like to avoid being swamped in)

where was I? oh yah. seeds of doubt. hackworth was so into me, I can't tell you the times that I tried to leave him, the stalking and suicide threats, it was ghastly. but he never could divorce his ex, couldn't get rid of her (turns out he is pretty good at divorce, look what you can do when you put your mind to it, hah). so I tend to doubt all men now. doubt their sincerity, their ability to commit. I tend to think that it is better for them not to even try, for me not to even try. and now chris, who's ex has to write a letter before we can be married in church. and I don't want to think that I have just landed myself with yet another man who can't get rid of his ex, but those damn seeds of doubt, nagging doubt. (she shakes her head and gives heavy sigh)

remember, I don't wait around for men, another leftover from stupid hackworth,so I guess i'll be in my garden, tendng my wretched seeds, waiting for them to grow.